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today is just so lazy.

i can't concentrate on what i'm doing and it's starting to make me sad. is this how things go for this crazy girl with big dreams but a short attention span? i really need to get through this exam. just one more.

i've spent the last 4 hours of here in my neighbor's room, half-productive, my brain function has been obscured by dehydration, laziness and a sprinkle of stress.

--05:45 a.m., J went lunatic on Wednesday, October 15, 2008

She swept across the room slowly, like a ghost and sat on a corner. I mourn for her, she knows. She tries to tell me how the streets are golden, laden with lights that wake the senses while I sit across her. She has lost me to the shadows that prevent me from seeing. She sings while I listen to the music of my past. So many cities have waited for us, but we have not sailed to any.

While she spends her time with byron, I sit on a filthy corner of another room not unlike what we shared. We have spent so many nights, also not unlike tonight, listening to the same songs. I miss her, but she misses me more. She rises, though I fail to notice. Her fading had been so slow that there had almost been no pain. I wonder, shall we ever hold hands and lay together again? Tonight, is the first night I mourn for my muse. I am all alone. I wish to find her, and take her. She had always caught my sea of tears and drank from my desolation, but I left her. I am selfish - and I want to find her, now more than ever.

When the echoes of this room resound on another night, I will try to find her. But tonight, I shall drown in shallow depths, inaudible noise, invisible shadows. She will scream but will be unheard.

--06:13 p.m., J went lunatic on Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Two of four tequila shots. Marrying my boyfriend's brother. Hugging friends passing by in taxi cabs. Driving down the mountains. Pregnant three nights in a row. I've been dreaming of the strangest things, it's almost a shame waking up.

I'm wishing I can stay in bed and continue where I left off. Maybe I should intentionally leave the glass of water before going to bed to welcome some more dehydration 'nightmares', whatever they're called. Because today, I got to hug someone I wanted to hug for so long, it's almost tear jerking. There are also some things better off done in sleep, like climbing mountains with strangers barefoot.

I wish I had more time to sleep today, it was wonderful eating lunch on a cliff, watching people do strange things. I wanna believe its all real and that I have some secret I could hold on to - like seeing someone else's ex-boyfriend turn into a tattooed thug.

--08:37 a.m., J went lunatic on Monday, September 29, 2008

good things

a student in one of my classes had the nerve of turning his head in all directions looking at his seatmates' papers. he even starts conversations with a friend seated in front of him and he dares pretend to be talking to himself when he notices the scowl i directed at him. it's very frustrating.

repulsive and shameful. he even wears that shirt that everyone hates. it says "so what kung 1 ka, e*** ka ba?" he's done me the favor of revealing himself in bright yellow text. i'm reserving my opinions on the shirt, but frankly it doesn't suit him at all. had his shirt had a mind of it's own i bet it would've shrunk and aided me in suffocating this boy.

--12:54 p.m., J went lunatic on Friday, September 19, 2008

i'm losing money over food. on sunday, before bryan, jan and i started watching the cine europa films, we had lunch at wham burger where i had an enormous hungarian sausage with two extra servings of mushroom sauce. after a film we headed for mongkok where i had 4 orders of dimsum - stuffed eggplant, hakaw, scallops and siao long pao. just now, jan and i had lunch at chateau verde where i had some tenderloin in garlic sauce. of course, i'm facing a few more sheets of investigative project first drafts. again, i'm telling myself i have to deserve all this glorious meals!

i can't stop thinking of green mango yogurt!! i have to get home early so i can get myself a bowl.

--01:37 p.m., J went lunatic on Tuesday, September 16, 2008

yesterday we were able to watch two films for cine europa at shangrila. it was pretty nice to hear some german and recognize phrases like "er ist funf jahre alt" (he is 5 years old) and feel like i really understood, despite the subtitles and the long reaction time. it was a pretty nice getaway from the haunting stacks of papers to check and heaps of unmade homework.

funny, both films that we were able to watch were about children. well, it can't be helped! that was when we decided to watch the free screenings. if i had a hand to it, i wouldn't watch anything that involved children. if i've known better, i'd say these are the most depressing kinds of stories you can ever tell me. it irks a certain envy on how they can live their lives so focused on their own concerns, and how events turn around with the best possible decisions. something i can't really do.

(i'm embittered now having to have to come back to the real world. but the movies were, truthfully, pretty good. one was called 'children of the moon' and the other 'mozart in china'.)

i was lucky enough to spend a little time with friends this weekend, catching up and feeling like no time has passed. but lately i've been really volatile. i have been wanting to see people then not wanting to see people. sometimes i wake up not wanting to get out of bed for ever and ever, but at nights i feel like i've wasted so much time and that i should just do the mature thing and do what i have to do. and i get distracted so easily, too. but there's only less than a month left. i just need to get through the next few weeks.

--04:07 p.m., J went lunatic on Monday, September 15, 2008

Hi, It seems that my entries from 2001 have washed away and only the latter 2003 entries have survived. To my remorse, these snippets of my life are most raw, absurd, but they're pretty honest. I decided to delete everything and commit these events to memory - the surviving entries don't exactly paint a pretty picture. It feels like visiting a secret hiding place from my childhood, writing here. ♥j

--01:24 p.m., J went lunatic on Friday, September 12, 2008

last night, i got ridiculously tipsy over at joel's. ronald, francis, gela, anna, joel and i went swimming, with bottles of red wine and cigarettes our only audience.

--01:13 a.m., J went lunatic on Monday, May 5, 2003

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